White Evangelicals File For Divorce From God
Cite religious differences.
White evangelicals have filed for divorce from God in Michigan’s 20th Circuit Court, located in Ottawa County. They submitted the paperwork last Friday. But they’re behaving like it’s a done deal. The evangelicals have kicked God out of their churches, tossed his personal stuff out on the lawns, changed the locks on the doors, and installed spiritual deadbolts on their souls.
The evangelicals filed their petition in Ottawa County because it’s friendly ground: Ottawa is home to a large number of extreme right-wing Christians, including former Trump Cabinet secretary Betsy DeVos.
As for Michigan, they chose it because it’s a no-fault divorce state. This gave the evangelicals three advantages. They could file over God’s objections. They needed no more justification than to assert there’d been a breakdown in the relationship. And blame needn’t be established.
That said, white evangelicals know who’s to blame for the divorce: God. They contend His worldview is out of date. He’s still fixed on love and mercy. That the meek shall inherit the Earth. Yeah, right.
God doesn’t see that white evangelicals are in a fight to the death with demonic forces which seek to destroy their Christian nation. Such as Democrats, socialists, and Marxists. Vaccine mandators and face-maskers. Morning woke culture. Afternoon nap culture. Trans boys in Girl’s Gone Wild videos. Trans girls as Chippendale male strippers. Drag queens leading Boy Scout troops. Drag kings selling Mary Kay® cosmetics. Track coaches teaching critical race theory. Furries teaching cats how to use litter boxes. LGBTQ books in front yard Little Free Libraries. People who believe women have the right to choose their own hair colors. And think black crayons matter. God doesn’t take these threats seriously. Clearly, He’s not up in Heaven; He’s out in la-la land. God tells evangelicals to “Turn the other cheek.” They tell God “You can kiss our other cheek.”
In His own court filing, God blamed white evangelicals for the divorce. To begin with, they no longer act like evangelicals. Consider what are supposed to be their beliefs¹.
- Biblicism: the Bible alone establishes what Christians believe and how they should behave.
- Crucicentrism: Jesus made redemption possible by allowing Himself to be sacrificed on the cross.
- Conversionism: non-believers need to be evangelized — to be convinced to follow Jesus.
- Activism: evangelicals use social action and missionary work to bring the gospel into people’s lives.
White evangelicals don’t do those things. Instead of Biblicism, they cherry-pick scriptures which support their worldly agenda. Instead of pursuing redemption through Jesus, they pursue power through politicians. Instead of converting outsiders, they demonize them. Instead of using social action to help people, they abuse democratic processes to impose their values on them.
White evangelicals don’t even engage in the basic practices of their faith. How can they? According to a poll², forty percent of evangelicals attend church once a year or not at all. Ten percent go once a month. Thus, half of evangelicals rarely share Communion, recite prayers, witness baptisms, and perform other Christian rituals together. Furthermore, this allows pastors to only occasionally catechize them. That is, teach them the principles, dogmas, and rites of the Christian faith. That’s as opposed to the hours Evangelicals are “catechized” each day by Fox News, conservative radio programs, and extreme right-wing podcasts, Facebook groups, and Twitter posts.
God accepts some of the blame for this situation. The most recent edition of His user manual came out two thousand years ago. Back then, people lacked knowledge, maturity, and cognitive bandwidth. They had only a rudimentary understanding of science, technology, medicine, business, laws, politics, and human relationships. Consequently, the Bible addressed those subjects in simple ways or not at all.
Obviously, the Bible needs to be brought up to date. God’s been meaning to do it. But writing is hard. Time and again, during the last thousand years, He’d grab a yellow legal pad and pencil and sit down to write. But His introductory hooks were weak. His chapters ran on like IRS code. His verses were clogged with filler words. His vocabulary was repetitive. His grammar was embarrassing. He used “thing” too much, as in “The thing about sinners is…”
God tried apps such as Hemingway™, Grammarly™, and Visuwords™. But He still struggled. Inevitably, He’d get up and see if any miracles were on his to-do list. Or get distracted by a bright and shiny object in Heaven.
The solution was to use a ghostwriter. But God loves the style of writing in the King James Version. Most present-day scribes don’t do “King James.” The few who do want coauthor credit on the Bible’s cover. That’s a deal breaker: God don’t share credit for the Bible with no one!
God realizes his two-thousand years of procrastination has had unfortunate consequences. The Bible doesn’t reflect His positions on modern issues. Particularly the ones He approves of: gay marriage, contraception, sex education, evolution, vaccines, science, civil rights, democracy, women’s bodily autonomy, religious freedom (including the freedom to be irreligious), gun control, universal healthcare, environmentalism, Dreamers, Supreme Court term limits, fluoridated drinking water, and marijuana (when used responsibly). White evangelicals have taken advantage of this to handpick Scriptures, twist them, or cite their absence to further their morally corrupt agenda.
Nonetheless, God contends that white evangelicals are primarily responsible for the divorce. They broke their vows³.
- “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Except Donald Trump, the false prophet who white evangelicals have anointed as their Messiah⁴.
- “Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them.” When it comes to Trump, evangelicals eagerly bend over and grab their ankles.
- “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.” Referring to Trump as “God’s chosen one” is about as “in vain” as one can get⁴.
- “Though shalt not commit adultery. Though shalt not steal.” Evangelicals chose a savior who has repeatedly and unabashedly done both⁴.
- “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house…nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s.” Evangelicals covet their neighbors’ civil rights, bodily rights, taxes, and votes.
- “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” Evangelicals constantly do that towards politicians, the news media, doctors, scientists, teachers, election officials, women, and everyone else with whom they disagree.
In His court filing, God admitted the divorce is practically final. The only unresolved matter has to do with custody of the children.
God views everyone as His children. But he’s not so sure about white evangelicals. They’re self-righteous and controlling. Lack empathy. Are unforgiving. Bully people who don’t agree with them, claim their targets asked for it, while shamelessly portraying themselves as the victims.
Worse, white evangelicals have warped their faith. They use it to feed their grievances. Heighten their fears. Justify aggressive actions. Forgive their own immoral conduct, and that of spiritual, business, and political leaders who claim to be on their side. In so doing, white evangelicals have forfeited the right to condemn anyone else for moral failures, or demand that others behave morally.
So yes, white evangelicals are God’s children. But they’re problem children. They seem beyond saving. Which is why, when it came to child custody, God declared that He didn’t want ‘em.
[1]: “What is an Evangelical?”, National Association of Evangelicals, https://www.nae.org/what-is-an-evangelical/
[2]: “New Data Suggests Over 40 Percent of Self-Identified Evangelicals Attend Church Once a Year or Less”, Relevant, https://relevantmagazine.com/faith/church/new-data-suggests-over-40-percent-of-self-identified-evangelicals-attend-church-once-a-year-or-less/
[3]: Exodus chapter 20, verses 3 through 13, The Bible.
[4]: “The Messianic Trump Cult”, POLITICO, https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2022/08/31/the-messianic-trump-cult-00054382
