The Catholic Church That Canned Its Priests
And replaced them with a Baywatch princess, a Sharknado queen, and a bodice-ripper cover king.
A Catholic church in Michigan has increased attendance at Mass by jazzing up Communion. It sidelined the traditional wine and wafers, and uses modern pairings instead. At Easter Mass, a malty red lager stood in for the blood of Christ, and Ritz bacon crackers represented His body. Christmas Eve Communion consisted of a spicy yuletide ale and cheddar Cheez-Its®. And for Labor Day Mass, parishioners sipped Pabst Blue Ribbon and ate Crescent hot dog rollups.
The church is St. Matthew’s Passion in the village of Gill’s Pier on the Leelanau peninsula. The Leelanau is known for vast cherry orchards and miles of Lake Michigan beaches. And having more lapsed Catholics per capita than any county in Michigan.
Last December, St. Matt’s deacons discussed ways to get more people to attend Mass. Naturally, they searched the Bible for a solution. Sure enough, they found sixty-seven verses pertaining to asses. How to saddle your ass. Mount your ass. Get off your ass. Covet your neighbor’s ass. And beat the Hell out of someone with the jawbone of an ass. But none of the verses told the deacons how to grab someone by the ass, then sit their ass down in a church pew on Sunday.
They considered the traditional method. Marketing Mass as the path to spiritual growth and God’s grace. And a way to gain a sense of belonging by communing with fellow believers. But if the church doesn’t throw in a set of sacred steak knives, this approach has a high rescission rate — the percentage of people who sign on to be Catholic, but try to get out of the contract later.
So the deacons tried a different strategy to attract new parishioners, and hold onto the ones they had. They fired their priests.
There’s nothing wrong with Father Larry, Father Sid, and Father Stu. They’re fine, upstanding, likable guys. But they had to go.
Partly, it was to cut costs. True, the boys abided by vows of poverty. But they were extraordinarily expensive even so. The priesthood’s brand has been irreparably damaged by decades of priestly lechery. The Catholic Church is paying dearly for it in legal fees and settlements. St. Matt’s priests haven’t been accused of sexual hanky-panky. Nonetheless, their mere presence forced the church to keep a sexual misconduct attorney on retainer, and pay sky-high premiums for molestation liability insurance.
Mainly, the deacons sacked the priests to restore St. Matt’s credibility. That is, with current and lapsed parishioners who are disgusted with the Catholic Church for letting known pedophiles stay in the priesthood. Allowing them unfettered access to children. Re-assigning them to fresh hunting grounds when they were discovered. And short-circuiting efforts by law enforcement to bring them to justice.
The deacons assigned the priests’ administrative duties to the church secretary. Frankly, she’d always done them, and for peanuts. Now she had a flashy new title: Parish Administrator. And the deacons raised her pay to a pittance.
As for the priests’ religious duties, St. Matt contracted with a Grand Rapids speakers bureau to have them performed by motivational speakers. Those are entertainment, business, and sports celebrities. They serve the church for a week, then someone else takes over. During their tour of duty, they celebrate Mass and perform the sacraments. If a parishioner wants more — say, someone to visit and anoint the sick, or commend the soul of a dearly-departed — they can order it from the à la carte pastoral care menu.
Naturally, St. Matt can’t afford A-list speakers like celebrity life coach Tony Robbins, former NBA star Magic Johnson, or Kim Kardashian, the reality TV star whose ass is famous for being famous. The church can’t afford B-listers, be they supermodel Bella Hadid, super Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger, or super rapper Snoop Dogg. Nor C-listers like former news anchor Katie Couric, former “Captain Kirk” William Shatner, or Dennis Rodman, the former NBA player who can’t have an MRI because of the metal piercings in his lips, nostrils, and scrotum.
Z-listers, however, are plenty affordable. MTV reality star Jessica Simpson will celebrate Mass in exchange for being allowed to sell WeightWatchers® plans during the after-service kaffeklatsch in the Fellowship Hall. Olympic gymnast Mary Lou Retton will do it for ten percent of the offering plate, and a table in the narthex where she can sell autographed leotards.
Sure enough, after months of substituting motivational speakers for priests, the pews at Mass are filled to capacity. The cushions on the kneeling benches have already been worn through and replaced. When the packed congregation makes the sign of the cross, the torque tilts them to the right.
To explain the spike in attendance, look no further than the Yelp reviews. A new parishioner who gave St. Matt five stars wrote “At my old church, Mass is as exciting as reading junk mail, and Confession is like a performance review. But at St. Matt, I wish I could attend Mass every day, and come up with more shit to confess to.”
This isn’t surprising. At any given Mass, people may see:
- Pamela Anderson, the bosomy Baywatch actress who couldn’t float facedown if she tried, jiggle her way through the Penitential Rite.
- Celebutante Paris Hilton, who repeatedly called God’s name on her widely circulated sex tape, lead the congregation in doing the same while singing The Gloria.
- Suzanne Somers, the ThighMaster spokesmistress, flex her hams during the Profession of Faith.
- Matt Lauer, former Today show co-anchor and philanderer, recite the Prayer of the Faithful.
The motivational speakers are at their best when they do the Homily. Celebrity rehab doctor Drew Pinsky preached that God knows there’s a bright line between Saturday night and Sunday morning, so it’s ok for people to party, repent, repeat. Brandi Glanville, star of the reality TV show Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, told parishioners “You should have beliefs, but it’s ok if you don’t believe them.” Justin Bieber exhorted parishioners to “Believe in Jesus and you’ll be saved. But be a Belieber and you’ll rock!” Tara Reid, star of the Sharknado movies, devoted an entire hour to an issue which has confounded theologians for centuries: “If tin whistles are made of tin,” she said, “what are fog horns made of?”
The celebrities are terrific at performing pastoral duties. Young marrieds soak up birth control advice from Kate Gosselin, star of the kid-cluttered reality show Kate Plus 8. People at Death’s door are tickled when Jersey Shore reality TV star Snooki asks them “How you doin’” before giving them Last Rites. Older women can’t wait to confess their sins when bodice-ripper cover model Fabio mans the Confessional. They reserve hour-long sessions. Show him photos of themselves in flagrante delicto. If they haven’t done anything wrong, they make stuff up.
Though St. Matt’s strategy is a success, the deacons acknowledge there can be problems. As one of them pointed out, “We’re using Z-list celebrities. Ya get what ya pay for.”
Fortunately, there have been only a few awkward situations. Such as when actress, rehab frequent flier, and mugshot model Lindsay Lohan pitched a hissy-fit during a baptism, and threw the baby out with the holy water. There was the Mass where parishioners were Passing the Peace with actor Pee Wee Herman. Some of them felt queasy about shaking hands with a guy known for masturbating in adult movie theaters. And the time Chuck Norris gave the blessing at the end of the service. But the martial arts expert, former star of Walker, Texas Ranger, and current star of Texas Ranger With A Walker spoiled it by telling people to “Go in peace or I’ll kick your ass.”
