Brain cramps: yeah, Rebecca, that’s what they’re experiencing in Midland. And not just every 28 days, either.

Semen for M&Ms? Some Midland men don’t make it. When I lived there from 1979 to 1985, I occasionally dated chemical engineers. Fun fact: they don’t have sex; they reproduce via cell division.

As for your gay clothing, you don’t need to remove it. Just have it undergo “Gay Clothing Conversion Therapy.” Don’t overdo it, else you’ll turn your cotton clothes into polyesters.